Oh God No

Well even though it gave Mike yet another chance to write two posts in a row and further solidfy his standing as "Only East Coast Agony Blogger Anyone Reads", I think it was for the best that I waited to write this post until the swelling in my brain from rapping my head against the desk like an overripe mango subsided. A post written last night would have looked like this

GODDAMN ASSHOLE BASTARD COCK SUCKING HICKS FUCK THEO FUCK A-ROD I HOPE HE GETS FOOD POISONING WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO SOX FANS I HATE LIFE I HATE BASEBALL I'M BECOMING A SOCCER FAN GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

Sure it's all capitalized and saucy, but there's nothing really useful there, other than yet more published evidence that I probably have a chemical imbalance in my brain somewhere.

First off, let's take a worst case scenario look at this deal (the type of scenario Sox fans are most used to) and assume that the player to be named is some broken down AAA veteran or a really nice graphing calculator. The Yankees have gone up in offense and stablized defense on the left side of the infield. (This is compared to the team that went to the world series last year. Obviously A-Rod is a huge upgrade over the Wilson/Lamb/Large pile of sticks option at the hot corner) They lose Soriano at 2nd and I don't see who they're going to find to replace his bat, if not his defense. And while the Yankees can probably claim an offensive edge over us, and almost certainly a defensive edge, I'm still not convinced that they match up to us pitching wise, especially not if some of their guys get injured (and with Leiber, Gordon, Brown, Contreras, etc...they will).

And let's not forget that there's quite a bit of speculation that Mr. Player to be Named Later might be Contreras himself. If that's the case, then I will celebrate this trade and offer up a sacrifice of dead batteries and pizza boxes to the baseball gods themselves, because the Yankees rotation suddenly looks thinner than my little black book if you tear out all the blank pages.

AND there's a new monkey wrench (What exactly IS a monkey wrench anyways? Why would one of those thrown into a system cause more damage than, say, a socket wrench or a crescent wrench? You have to think about it, because that's SMART comedy lol) thrown into the already wrench-infested machinery of the Yankees Juggernaut. Those wrenches are called things like Chemistry, Team Unity, Clubhouse Unity, and Grippy the Super Wrench (not all wrenches are bad, don't fall into that trap). Sheffield, Lofton, and Brown are not considered real great team players. In fact, you might compare them to the one wrench in the toolbox that keep banging into the other wrenches and chips and breaks them and... actually, I need to end this paragraph immediately.

So in summation, if the Yankees lose Contreras too, then I think this trade HURTS them in the short run. If they keep him (I think they will) then instead of the Sox being favored to win the division, it should be considered a pretty even matchup. Also I am a hideous writer who somehow managed to break off onto a wrench-related tangent 3 seperate times (4 now).

The worst part of this is that the Sox can no longer claim bragging rights over the Yanks this offseason. That was the best thing, for ONCE everything was going right for the Sox and the Yankees were falling apart at the seams faster than a grill that was put together with a cheap pair of vice grips instead of a quality Craftsman speed wrench. (5) Wells was lost due to Karmic influences, Schilling was acquired for 3 vaguely talented AAAA players we probably would have waived in a few months anyways, Boone's ACL snapped like a rusted bolt being turned by a 3/4 inch socket wrench with a cheater bar on it (help me), and Hideki Matsui got deported for beating up a group of locals who mistook him for Jackie Chan "for the last time". (That last one hasn't happened yet, but I remain confident that it will in good time, and desperate for material to end this post with)

And there's not much else in my tired, cobwebby brain to write down about this. A-Rod does not turn the Yankees into an unstoppable steamroller. They're still assholes though.