Past Time for the Pastime

Spring looms, whatever some burrowing rodent might tell you. I can tell, but not because I wandered outside and saw flowers shooting out of the ground or birds singing or some other peripheral nonsense of nature. I can sense the change in seasons the same way they'll be looking for it in twenty years, when no one leaves their cubicles and windows have been so thoroughly replaced by Windows that watching a baseball game on MLB.com TV will actually sound like a good idea. In 2024, the Grand High Meteorologist will fire up his computer and check the latest models, which won't be collecting data on temperature and cloud shapes like they do now, but measuring the freshness of baseball writers' ideas. "By Roker!" he'll cry, "The Regurgitation Index is climbing! Staleness is at a yearly high! Spring draws nigh!"

If that last paragraph wasn't evidence enough, I'm fast running out of original ideas. The good thing is, I'm not alone.

A Dominican Ballplayer Was Lying About His Age (link) - Oldest trick in the book, especially if it is a book about Dominican baseball-playing tricks. The link is to Eric Simon's take on Soriano's fib, which in turn is linked to the original Daily News article.

Ken Griffey, Jr. Thinks He Can Stay Healthy (link) - I'd really rather not comment on this, because I think it's a shame when injuries rob us of seeing great players perform. I'm rooting for his return. Still:

Just before noon, Ken Griffey Jr., rolled into the complex parking lot driving a black Aston Martin complete with a license plate frame saying, "Bad Boys Drive Bad Toys".

At least it was an anniversary present. I like Griffey. Someone else make the "exercise bike in physical therapy" joke.

The Yankees Spend Too Much Money, inevitably followed by a Steinbrenner rebuttal (link) - Yep, we've got that one, too. This one is pretty interesting. Red Sox owner Henry whines hypocritically about the Yankees spending more than everyone else because they got Rodriguez and he didn't. George's response is classic:

We understand that John Henry must be embarrassed, frustrated and disappointed by his failure in this transaction," Steinbrenner said. "Unlike the Yankees, he chose not to go the extra distance for his fans in Boston. It is understandable, but wrong, that he would try to deflect the accountability for his mistakes on to others and to a system for which he voted in favor. It is time to get on with life and forget the sour grapes."

Replace Henry's name and city with those of the next tight-fisted owner to gripe after being outbid and outclassed by the Yankees, and you've got yourself a carbon copy refutation that will be inducing winces for many offseasons to come. George is nuts, but his statements are always as fantastic as they are predictable.

The Braves Are the Best Team Ever (link) – Despite losing Maddux to the Cubs, the Braves are in perfect shape because unbeknownst to the rest of the game, Leo Mazzone has a private Biomechanical Laboratory of his own that can turn John Thomson into Cy Young at the press of a button. This is one cyclical story that I certainly hope has seen its last winter of relevance.

Oh, there are plenty more. I’m still waiting on the Met Who Embarrassed Himself and His Team, along with the Mets Pitching Prospect Who Looked Great But Mysteriously Faltered Against Major League Hitters. There’s also the tried and true Spring Training Cliché Roundup, but you’re probably familiar with that tired tale.