There is a spring in my step (Get it??????)

12 PM: Today's the very first Sox spring training game of the whole entire season, so look forward to a blog entry today in a style blatantly ripped off from The Sports Guy It's D-Lowe versus the Twins, and while the recognizable non-Japanese players who are older than 19 will be gone by the 3rd inning, it'll still be fun to watch.

7:00PM Sp far my entire day has consisted of waking up at 12, and watching the entire first season of Seinfeld with my friend Dan. That's literally it. Also there's currently a brawl of sorts going on over the TV, because a pointless Bruins game will be on at the same time as the Sox game, so look for an occasional update on the B's game to appease the whiney bastard enough for me to check on the Sox game every once in awhile.

7:05 PM Kyle Lohse is on the mound, 2 pitches into the at bat Gabe Kapler grounds weakly to first. He still looks ripped though! Trot Nixon is out tonight with a strained buttocks, Damon has a strained elbow. Coincidence? God I hope so. Also we've got Jerry Remy commentating tonight, so it looks like he came out of his back surgery fine and dandy.

Bill Mueller's doing a better job, fouling off balls with that ridiculously long swing of his. His out was somewhat more impressive, a crushed ball to center field that Torii Hunter pulled in easily.

Third up we've got Manny, Lohse seems terrified to pitch to him. Walked him on four pitches. What're you doin', Lohse? Nomar, on the other hand, he's going right after. And, of course, he served up a wicked hanger of a curveball that Nomar fouled straight back to the backstop, right before he struck out. Thank goodness it's early enough in the season that Nomar's horrible timing and ackward looking swings can still be brushed off.

7:12PM Wow, Derek Lowe only struck out 110 batters in 203 innings last year? AND he had a 4.4 ERA? How the hell did we win all those games? At least the first inning is looking like a quick and easy one. Also, D-Lowe is throwing 94 MPH somehow. Fix the damn radar gun.

How much do I love Sean McDonough? Nomar actually got called out on a check swing that he moved like an inch, horrible call. They showed a replay after D-Lowe finished his 1-2-3 first. Sean's comment "Wow, Chuck Merriweather (Home Plate Ump) is already in his midseason form, I see"

7:22 PM 1.5 innings in the books, no hits. How the hell am I supposed to write a blog entry about this crap? Also David Ortiz appears to have swallowed Carlos Baerga over the offseason. That "Mo Vaughn Junior" crack better not come back to bite me in the ass.

7:27 PM Lowe's velocity is down to 83-85 MPH. Splendid. It's working though, still no hits for either side. Part of hte problem may be that the umpires all seem to have better things to do tonight than call a baseball game, as any possible oppurtunity to call an out is being used.

7:32PM Lohse is out, Brad Thomas is in. Pokey Reese promptly struck out at a chin high 93MPH fastball. Way to go, Theo.

Kapler just busted up the no hitter for the Twins. Does Bill Mueller not understand sign language at all? He always stares at the third base coach for at least 2 minutes while chewing his gum slowly and thoughtfully. Perhaps he took a long time because he was confused as to why the third base coach would flash the sign for "Hit a popup as far as humanly possible"

7:47 PM Jason Shiell has relieved and let in two runs so far. How is he even practicing with us? Did no one watch him at all last season? He'd always come out in the 6th or 7th inning of a blowout game and would either turn it into a ridiculous blowout for the other team or a save situation for us. End of the third, 2-0 Minnesota. Thank you very much Jason.

7:53PM I take back that mean comment about David Ortiz, I've still got an open position for an official hero this year and Ortiz is the frontrunner. He CRUSHED a ball to far right field and stood there admiring it for a few seconds until he realized it was a line drive that was also going to be about 4 inches too low for a homer, so he thundered over to second just barely ahead of the throw and came up with a sheepish look on his face. Also, perhaps it was a bad camera angle, but he didn't look as fat after that double.

7:56PM Bases loaded, two out, Adam Hydzu at the plate. TOTALLY unexpectedly, he fails to drive in a run with a weak fly out. Pinch hit Daubuach or something, dammit. Who's feelings are you going to hurt? Hydzu's one of the dozen 30-34 year old AAA losers we keep around for if the Sox charter plane goes down in flames or something.

8:04PM Some pitcher with the last name Brown is currently on the mound. Who's this guy? It's tough for me to keep track because apparently in some alternate universe I've accidently crossed into, a Bruins-Rangers game is more important than the first organized Red Sox game of the year and therefore should get the bulk of the TV time. Something tells me Nameless Brown won't be someone I'm seeing a lot of, as he's given up two straight hits to start the 4th.

8:10 PM Now Brown has loaded the bases with one out. I seriously hate this man, get him off my team. To change subjects Joe Mauer is at the plate and I like the way the kid looks, he's not swinging at anything outside the strike zone. Unfortunately for him, he IS swinging at the only decent sinker Brown threw, resulting in a Crespo-to-McCarty double play that got us out of a jam. Nice.

8:14PM YEAH POKEY, YEAH BABY!!! Same pitch (Collarbone level fastball) and Reese singles cleanly into center. Maybe he'll be all right after all. It's really weird seeing Daubauch up to the plate again in a Sox uniform. First at-bat he hits a ball right down the line and scores Reese, 2-1 Twins now. Daubauch is indeed my daddy, once again.

Cesar Crespo's AAA numbers: .267/7/56. Those are HORRIBLE. What on earth is this guy doing hanging around? We've only got 40 roster spots open, can't we just give an honorary one to Wally the Green Monster or something? It'd mean more to the team than Crespo's spot. He DID kind of-sort of fly out well enough to score Mueller, but that's mostly because whoever's currently manning right for the Twins has the worst Noodle arm I've seen since Johnny D. Also any Sox scoring threat is over as Kevin Youkilis, in his first at-bat I've ever seen, popped up to the catcher. Pop ups are going to be a problem for the Sox again this year, methinks. 2-2 Sox.

8:28PM Current LOOGY candidate and frontrunner for "Worst Last Name Ever" award Tim Hamuylack started the bottom of the 5th by striking out Matthew "Wait, isn't this beer league softball? Oh well, I hit a homer anyways" LeCroy. The rest of the inning went just as easily, an easy 1-2-3 affair. Mark me down as a Hamuylack booster.

For those of you who searched for "Boston Bruins" on Google and came to this site accidently, two bits of news for you.

#1. Halfway through the game the score is Bruins 0 Rangers 0.


#2. You watch the worst professional sport ever created.

8:40PM 1-0 Bruins now, Joe Thornton lasered the puck past hapless Rangers goalie Mike Dunham. This marks an NHL record of "Players involved in a play whose last names I can pronounce".

Reynaldo Garcia is on the mound for the Sox now, you might remember a recent post I did regarding his future with the team. If I recall, I was cautiously optimistic about his effect on the team. I couldn't bear to watch his inning so I instead watched Thornton easily score a 2nd goal against the Rangers, making the score 2-0 in that game. Coming back for the top of the 7th I saw it was still a 2-2 score, which means that Garcia obviously has been taking his chicken tongue and lizard gizzards as was prescribed by the Haitian medicine woman he consulted during the offseason.

8:51PM Jeremy Owens just struck out on the most bullshit check swing strikeout I have ever seen in my life. Chuck Merriweather is already up to his insane antics behind the plate and I can only sincerely hope that he's not going to end up blowing another critical call for us during a Yankees game. Kevin Youkilis grounds out, Daubauch strikes out. This is officially the most boring spring training game in recent history.

9:03PM DAMMIT Minnesota scored. Randall "Kolter" Bean is currently on the mound, he gave up a moonshot to Torez to make the score 3-2 Minnesota. I'm going to go storm off for awhile and try to remind myself that this game will never, ever make a smidgen of difference no matter how much I'd like to think meaningful baseball has started.

9:12PM Got back just in time to see Terry Francona have Dave MacCarty attempt a bunt. Seeing over management in SPRING TRAINING like that doesn't give me a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach at ALL. I'm waiting with baited breath for the first inning we use 4 pitchers in, or the first strike-out throw-out double play on a botched hit and run during a big inning. Grady Little was great for those. And yes, I know I just ranted about Francona UNDER managing and not pinch hitting for Hydzu earlier. Just shut up.

Speaking of Hydzu, he just drove in a run with another weak grounder that the Twins third baseman booted like a clingy groupie out of the bed. 3-3 game now. Do extra innings happen in spring training?

9:20PM Some guy named Medrano walked after swinging late on three 84MPH fastballs from former Sox farmhand Kevin Tolar. This is why you're getting shuffled from AAA team to AAA team, big guy. You can't walk nameless scrubs with the bat speed of a 45 year old crippled turtle. Bases juiced, 2 out.

Owens got an infield hit, 4-3 Sox! This is also the worst rally in the history of Grapefruit League baseball, the crowd is mostly asleep. (Granted, it's 9:20 at night in southern Florida, the elderly who didn't die from the heat are all probably pretty tired at this point) We're at the middle of the 8th. time to start warming up Foulke.

9:24PM Who the hell is Anastacio Martinez and why is he coming in in the 8th to preserve a 1 run lead? Williamson and Foulke need work too, dammit. Okay, my crack sources inform me he came over in the Scott Sauerbeck deal. Weren't all the players the Sox received in that deal dumped into the Charles River and forgotten about? That trade still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Update: Martinez has an EVIL curveball. Kevin Youkilis just made a sick play at third. What a great 8th inning, so much different than the 8ths I recall from last year.

9:31PM Bruins still lead 2-0 and are still boring. Just in case you were interested.

9:36PM 4th string catcher Andy Dominique just hit the 1st Red Sox home run of the season. Good to see it was him and not 5th string catcher Michel Hernandez. Seriously, who the hell has a fifth string catcher? Screw you Theo. 4-2 Sox.

Bruins are up 3-0 on a goal Segei Gonchar, a recent Bruins pickup. I have been assured that someone, somewhere, gives a shit.

9:40PM Some dude with the last name "Hebson" has come out in the bottom of the ninth to save it for the Sox. First out, a bobbled one hopper back to him that still beat the runner at first by about 20 feet. Players not hustling down the line down 2 runs in the ninth during spring training? THAT'S what's wrong with this game.

Second out, a CRUSHED foul ball resulting from either a hung curveball or a throw back to the ump for a new ball, not sure which, followed by a strikeout on a John Burkett-esque hanging meatball.

Third out I missed, but I'm getting sick of this anyways. Sox win 5-3, with the loss going to Kevin "Fatso" Tolar for a bit of extra pleasure. All in all, a great game (from what I saw) I saw a Manny Ramirez walk, a Nomar Garciaparra popup, and Derek Lowe pitch 2 scoreless innings in March instead of sit at home and try to scratch his cancerous nose off. I'd prepare to see a lot of this posting pattern, a justifiably angry Mets posting followed by a semi-pompous Sox posting.