Toilet Humor, or Why I Love the Mets

Judging by the number of people who have come to this site after searching for Anderson Bourell, Piazza's quack yoga guru, I think it's safe to say that many of you out there enjoy the Mets' embarrassing episodes as much as I do. Which is to say, we dig them a lot more than we do humdrum losses and injury reports and basically 95% of the information that swirled down the tubes from Flushing last season.

This year is supposed to be different. ("We have a plan," says the owner. "We're sticking to it," adds the GM.) We make a few favorable free agent signings, set our expectations for the youth movement a little too high, and suddenly Tom Glavine is not the only one who thinks he is still a good pitcher. It's Spring Training-itis, and it's not such a bad disease. I don't mind coming down with a bad case of optimism, because even if Mike Cameron's heel spur goes "Passion" on his foot, even if Leiter comes back down to earth, and Trachsel slides right through to the molten center -- even if the season completely tanks -- it's going to tank the Shea way: ugly as hell.

Spring Training is in its infancy, and so far our list of shame reads like this:

1. Piazza's adopts bizarre potion regimen under the tender ministrations of oddball Anderson Bourell
2. Karim Garcia and Shane Spencer kick the marinara out of a 20-year-old pizza delivery kid after Garcia drunkenly pisses against the pizza shop's wall in full view of the players' wives

And they say the Mets don't have character. They're right -- we specialize in characters. Subtle but really important screw up on that memo. Look, I'm not saying I like to root for a bunch of assholes, or that I believe everything I read in the paper. I'm just saying that if my team has a good chance of being mediocre or even awful, I'd rather they hold the class and give me plenty to laugh about along the way.

Honestly, what would you rather read:

Roberto Alomar smiled politely when asked why he was struggling at the plate with the Mets after a Hall of Fame career. "I'm just giving it 100%, maybe even 105%, some days 110%. I just can't seem to put it all together. It's just a matter of finding my stroke." He added with a shrug, "I'm the least interesting man on the face of the earth. God bless us everyone."

or

Karim Garcia broke his silence on what has become known in some circles of people who should be drawn and quartered as 'Pizzagate'. "Well, see, Shane and I, we go way back. So when I was relieving my starter against that wall there and I heard someone say "Hold it" I thought it was just Shane offering, you know? But it wasn't. Turned out it was this punk kid who thought I was disrespecting his place of business. And I was, you know, but my wife was there, and Shane's wife, and we didn't want to look like losers in front of our wives, right? So I called in the guys I can count on, my team. I may piss yellow, but I bleed orange and blue. Shane came out of left field just punching the kid (but he got hurt and lost his spot early), Alomar came by to watch but took a nap, Rey Sanchez gave the kid a [messed up] haircut, Cedeno stole his delivery car and drove it into the sound barrier, and big Mo ate the kid's [gosh darn] pizza. Can you believe that? I love New York!"

And thankfully we've got an owner and a GM who are completely unwilling to lance the boil and expel the funk. Is it because we'd have Timo Perez playing in right field and might lose a couple more games? Don't kid yourself. The Mets' image of rebellious stupidity is carefully cultivated. We are the anti-Yankees, always good for a funny, never counted on for a victory. And that's how we'll be until we start winning and have the luxury of choosing players based on intangibles and willingness to shave unprofessional facial hair.

Now, what's this I hear about Kazmir really digging the New York nightlife?