Tragedy with the Cap'n

Sorry folks, but Mike died in a horrifying cereal factory accident. We were touring the General Mills facility when he saw the Captain Crunch/Crunchberries machine in a corner, he then screamed "OOPS! ALL BERRIES!!" and pulled the "Don't Pull" lever. However instead of humorously changing the contents of the cereal to solely disgusting red and blue pieces of crunchy roughage, boiling hot hydraulic fluid spewed forth and melted his face off. His last words were "Never sent Reyes....my....letter" before he expired. I quickly checked his outgoing mail and sure enough there was a letter to Reyes in his pile of post to be sent out, however I'm not going to be mailing it. The poor kid has enough to worry about with learning second base without also looking over his shoulder in terror in every dark alley.

Or Mike was abducted by space aliens. I really don't know. Hopefully he'll be back soon though, in the meantime please enjoy another hot injection of Big K Bloggin', to be administered in the most uncomfortable of places!

Some good news to report from Ft. Myers, Trot might still be out with a strained left ass or pride or whatever he hurt, but Nomar came back into the lineup to go 0-2 with a walk, increasing his on-base percentage infinitely. (from .000 to .111 with a repeating bar over it) He has a muscular 0-8 batting average as well, lending further evidence to the "how you end a season is how you start the next one" theory.

Curt Schilling has declared himself ready for action as he pitched 6 scoreless innings with 74 pitches, wearing a ridiculous green jersey all the while. I for one am a fan of it, I think the Sox away uniform should be this very color, because nothing says "We as a team disrespect you" to the home team better than wearing the most unsightly ugly uniforms possible in their stadium.

Speaking of Green, Bud Selig has recently turned green himself, tearing off his shirt and bellowing "Selig MAD!!! Selig smash weak ineffective drug policy!!! ROAR!!!!" I wasn't sure where to put the link in that horrible sentence, so I'll put it here instead. I've never really been one to get on my soap box and self righteously weigh in on baseball's various foibles, although if that's what you're looking for feel free to check out 70% of Edward Cosette's articles. (You see that Cosette? Twice in as many updates. You can't ignore me forever.)

Having said that, I vote Selig's in the right to do this. Baseball seems to embarass itself horribly every other month, so step in and DO something about it this time. The Union can whine about "invasions of privacy" because its millionaire clients will have to prove they're not horribly cheating every day they step on the field, and they'll certainly file a grievance to try to block it, but at least make the effort to do something, Bud. (It's easy for me to say this because there's no one obvious on my team to point the Steroid Finger at. Other than Tim Wakefield, but that one's a given). Rant over.

Finally, in a rather surreal moment, I noticed an interview with Grady Little in GQ. I forget what GQ stands for, but knowing their usual target audience (Hip young men) and knowing Grady (Man with hip that is younger than he is) it very well could stand for "Grady Questionmark" (Grady?) A more suitable name, then, would be GQWTFQ, but I really need to stop this joke. Some of Grady's more memorable quotes:

"I knew that if we didn't win the World Series this year, somebody was gonna be the goat."

Gee, who woulda thought it'd be the guy directly responsible for making sure we didn't go to the World Series? What a wacky place we live in, huh Grady?

"If Boston plays 170 or better games next year, then maybe the result of their decision was the right one (referring to the number of games his team played, regular season and playoffs combined.) But, they better not forget they have to play those games with some human bodies. And they have to play 170 or better. And that's a lot of games."

I WAS going to make a "Grady can count to 170? Wow!" joke, but instead I'll leave you to ponder why it's not his fault that Game 7 got blown, but it IS his doing entirely that we went into the playoffs at all.

On new Red Sox manager, Terry Francona: "I just hope he knows what he's getting into."

Nahhh, I'm sure he just thinks it'll be a nice 162 naps on the bench and a sweet office to screw his sister in, like you did when YOU took the job.

Sorry, that got progressively more and more poisonous as it got written. What can I say, until the regular season starts it's all I've got to think about.

Anyways, stay tuned for an eventual update by Mike. I hope. Lord knows I can't keep this place running forever, I'm really more the eye candy than the brains around here.