How much do I hate you, Derek Lowe? Let me count the ways.

Record: 31-20

Derek Lowe has lost me. I will never, ever again support this man. I don't care if he makes his next 20 starts without giving up a single run, breezes through the playoffs, and ends the ALCS by flattening half the Yankees by running them down like animals in the bullpen cart. I refuse to let this man ruin either of my teams anymore. That's right, I said "teams", because the man is also on my fantasy team and has singlehandedly cost me 11 points and dropped me from 1st to 5th. Here's a quick D-Lowe Q&A for you:

Q: Who has the highest ERA in major league baseball among qualifying starters?
A: Yep! Derek Lowe and his 6.84 ERA beats absolutely every human who pitches and probably beats quite a few pitching machines too, especially the one Cesar Crespo uses. Another way to think of this is that Derek Lowe literally gives up three times as many runs in 9 innings as Curt Schilling does.

Q: Which does Derek Lowe have more of, strikeouts or walks?
A: Surprise! Derek Lowe has 25 walks and 21 strikeouts. Derek Lowe also grew up in Dearborn, MI and his family still lives there and has very little to no police protection. Trivia is fun!

Q: With all those walks, and with the league as a whole batting .336 against him, I bet he leads the league in WHIP too!
A: Well, that's not really a question, but you're absolutely right, not a man who starts gives up more walks and hits per inning pitched than Derek "Stop paying me like a reliever, I give up twice as many runs as any reliever does" Lowe does.

Q: Is Derek Lowe a whiney, petulant, ineffective pitching monstrosity that I should spend the rest of my life attempting to hunt down and murder so that the team can collect insurance money on him and sign a more valuable pitcher, such as perhaps Rolando Arrojo or just start paying Jason Varitek to toss the ball up in the air so the hitter can swing at it?
A: That might be a somewhat harsh solution, as we'd get the money if someone simply shattered his shoulder with a hot coal poker. But you're thinking, I like that.

I'm a little wary to be posting this right now, as I'm exceptionally angry and last time I mocked a pitcher (Lenny Dinardo) I received angry mail from his mother telling me he read what I wrote and it made him cry. And I've sworn off Derek Lowe before, his 2001 season produced an ulcer the size of a quarter in my stomach. But this is it. He can perhaps regain his ability, but he'll probably never stop saying stuff like this

"I'm at a loss for words. It's been a two-month
stretch where I've put myself in a lot of bad situations as far as
baserunners. When that many guys get on base, ... it snowballs."

THANK YOU PROFESSOR BASEBALL FOR EXPLAINING THAT WHEN YOU GIVE UP 5 STRAIGHT HITS TO START THE SIXTH INNING IT MAY "SNOWBALL".