More Quacks than Aflac

Met fans, I've got great news. Our Amazin's have found a cure for Reyes.

The Mets are considering sending Reyes, their 20-year-old Dominican star, to Chew, who has already developed a strategy to handle Reyes's recurring hamstring problems. Without examining Reyes, Chew said he is 85 percent certain that he could have Reyes healed in three to four weeks and back on the field in no more than six weeks.

"I have followed his case and formulated a plan in my mind," Chew, who believes he needs two sessions a week with Reyes for three weeks, said. "I am confident that I can fix him. I really want to work with José Reyes and the Mets."

Wow, that sounds really swell! This guy hasn't even been allowed to see Reyes, and he's already formulating plans in his mind. The Mets medical staff has had daily access to Reyes for years, and I'll bet they never thought to formulate a plan to treat his hamstring problems.

How is Chew going to heal our "star"?

To help Reyes's hamstring, Chew would use a series of deep-tissue release techniques - including but not limited to deep-tissue massage - which could break down scar tissue and heal adhesions.

Well, thank goodness the deep-tissue release techniques are not confined solely to deep-tissue massage! I mean, there are so many other deep-tissue release techniques unrelated to massaging the tissue that it would be a crime to limit the healing.

But then again, all of this deep-tissue release sounds pretty intensive. There's always the chance that it could affect Reyes' ginger hamstring negatively.

Chew insists that he would not lay a finger on the hamstring, working instead on other body parts that could correspond to the hamstring. Asked what body parts, Chew said, ''That's secret."

Hallelujah, praise the lord! I was so worried Chew would actually be dealing with the hamstring itself.

How does our team embarrass itself (and by association, us) with such ease and frequency?

I guess we're at the point where anything is worth trying, but I'm not really sure how we got here. Can't we get a real doctor to take a look at the future of the franchise, instead of some former bodybuilding champion -- sorry, he's also a licensed physical therapist -- who "uses no equipment other than his hands"? This offseason, ownership was gravely concerned with the injury risks of various free agent targets, and limited the length of the contracts they did deign to offer because they were fearful they might be signing the next Mo Vaughn. I've got no problem with that; it can be viewed as a step forward, albeit one taken after looking both ways about fifty times while wearing blinders. Is management's next revolutionary approach the hiring of a competent medical staff to further reduce the risk of injuries?

I hope so. Until then, we've got Doctor Touch-Touch.