lol omg wtf

Dude, fuck this team. Today's game against the Devil Jays (look at their damn uniforms and blame me for writing that) showcased a lot that's wrong with my team that is currently 14-14 in non-Yankees games and has lost 9 of its last 14 games.

Numero Uno: Terry Francona has run out of mulligans with me. I hate this man. 6th inning, one run game, and guess who comes sauntering out of the bullpen? Why it's New York Mets castoff and almost certain puppy-kicker Lenny Dinardo. On what planet does this move make sense? Schilling struggled but technically kept us in the game, and Francona went to the pitcher that ranks slightly above Mendoza and slightly below a bent tee-ball stand in effectiveness.

Terry Francona: You hurt, Schill?
Schilling: Nah, my ankle is taped up tighter than the mouth of that hooker Metropolitan Mike keeps in his closet, and I'm walking the bases loaded before getting saved by a crap DP, but I'm fine
Francona: I still think you're out, you've thrown 104 pitches to labor through 5 innings. Hit the shower and wait for me
Schilling: Awwwww Skip!
Francona: YOU WAIT FOR ME OR I WON'T USE SOAP
Schilling: Maaaaan...
Francona: I hate baseball. Put in Mark Malaska to turn this game into a travesty.
Dave Wallace: Still going for that record of consecutive horribly scarring appearances by a worthless waiver pickup, eh? Don't you think it's a little early?
Francona: Good point. BRING ME LENNY DINARDO
Dinardo: *looks up for Mayor McCheese Mcdonald's coloring book* Huh? Me throw ball again?

But we can't blame Francona or Dinardo entirely for tonight's Mets-esque meltdown. Every single pitcher we trotted out gave up at least one run. Looking on the bright side though, at least Embree didn't give up an EARNED run in his whopping 1/3 innings worth of work, due to some incredible defensive wizardry.

Are the Sox the worst defensive team in baseall? I think they very well might be. Johnny Damon and Dinardo got the only official errors, however the Manny-Bellhorn-Crespo debacle that I will try the rest of my life to forget was probably the best display of heart and hustle ever. NOT! (Can you sense the frustration? That was sarcasm there! I'm never sarcastic!)

Hey SPEAKING of Cesar Crespo, want to see his numbers thus far this season? 50 ABs with a .191 AVG AND a .191 On-base%. That's right folks, in 50 plate appearances the bastard hasn't managed to work a single walk, or even get hit by a pitch. Does getting hit by a pitch count towards on-base%? Even if it doesn't, I'd still love to see the little man get his skull caved in, even if he's carried out to first on a stretcher and stranded by Dave McCarty striking out behind him. Add that to his muscular .255 slugging% and you get a .447 OPS hitting machine. Or 50 at bats worth of wasted plate appearances, you know, whatever.

Something is horribly, horribly wrong with this team. Last year people used to compare them to a beer leauge softball team. And it was an apt comparison in some ways, the laid-back attitude, ridiculous 13-9 victories, and Kevin Millar all fit the description to a "t". However lately we're actually PLAYING like one lately, and that's not so cool. No desire or balls to the wall mentality to be seen here, and at least those things won us a few dramatic games last year. (Did I just say "balls to the wall?" I did. What is this team doing to me) I swear, I can only watch Millar roaming right field like a confused dinosaur or Gabe Kapler weakly tap out to the shortstop 5 times a game because he's both starting the game somehow and not cutting down on his goddamn swing with 2 strikes so many times before I jump ship and become a Mariners fan. You think I've never considered it? I envy any team that doesn't make you vomit so hard your shoelaces come out of your mouth every time your SS is introduced. It's like when Mo would ask Curly to pick a finger behind his back; pick either Crespo or Pokey and you're still going to get poked in the eyes really fucking hard.