So it's been a little while

Record: 15-10 (Worse than the Texas Goddamn Rangers)
I know it's been awhile. I've tried writing a post every day for the past 3-4 days now and everytime I start off with a humorous joke about how the current state of affairs in Red Sox Nation probably wouldn't really convince a jury it was okay for me to send Nomar and Trot death threats if they didn't suit up and start playing, but then I'd just start crying.

So I'm starting fresh. Screw the sweep of the Yankees. Screw the Rangers (seriously.) Screw not hitting, screw Pedro's big mouth, and, well, just screw it in general. Right now I'm watching Derek Lowe serve up 87 MPH meatballs to the suddenly talented Indians whilst the Sox furiously and uselessly hack at every single baseball that comes near them. You can see the sweat on Ortiz's face as the catcher throws the ball back to the pitcher, as if he's thinking "What? They're pitching backwards now? Those devils! SWING YOU FOOL IT'S GETTING FURTHER AWAY SOON YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO REACH IT NOOOOOOOO POPPY IT'S A TRICK DON'T SWING" Sure the Red Sox couldn't hit a ball hard if their life depended on it, but then again, neither could my intramural whiffleball team. There's a similarity in how our teams are playing now, right down the relative competence of their manager.

So why blog about this? Mike cries when I swear and I don't think I can describe the Sox's last 4 games without resorting to an F-bomb at least every other word. There are FAR more reputable and well written blogs over on the right hand side of this site if you want to get a fair and balanced retelling of Boston's recent games.

How about we talk about some of the more interesting commercials that are shown lately? Remember my ranting and ravings about the Curt Schilling Dunkin Donuts commercials? Well those things are shining bastions of creativity and effectiveness compared to some of the companies that're advertising lately. How about the waterworkswonders.com commercials, where a buck toothed little girl or evil gnome or something demands "take me fishing, because my wedding will be sooner than you think". Or even better, the shot of the old, shriveled shell of a man who bemoans "take me fishing, because I miss....my booooyyyyy". Fishing's not what you need, old timer, you need that rejuvenation machine that Victor gets hooked up to in that movie Underworld.

Not a fan of sci-fi vampire movies, huh folks? Well SCREW YOU, some people got a kick out of that joke. How about I talk about baseball events that don't have anything to do with our play on the field, but rather our much vaunted and mystical "Clubhouse Chemistry". Like Pedro's inane babbling about breaking off contract talks with the Red Sox. Anyone else notice that our team has become a black hole of misery, negativity, and futile dreams of scoring since he had that little pow-wow with the media? Kind of like Mike, except that's been a description of him since Pedro was 10 years old. (Ba-ZING!!! SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!)

So seriously, what is there to blog about? An entry thanking God we're not the Mets? Then I'd be just like every other non-Mets blog out there. An entry where I complain about Schilling's arm angle and mention how Varitek can't seem to lay off the high heat? I'll let you fine readers in a little secret: I'm an idiot, and probably don't know more about baseball than other bloggers that update more often than once every two weeks. Entries like that are fun, but only when the Sox are doing well and people overlook my commentary as the pseudo-analytical babbling it truly is.

So I'll be writing again, probably when the Sox win a damn game. Which won't be tonight, congrats to Pokey and Mueller for making consecutive erros against the Cleveland Powerhouse. Godammit.