How to Watch Baseball for Six Dollars

With the phrase "meaningful games" threatening to replace "weapons of mass destruction" in the national lexicon, I hopped on the delightfully crowded Flushing Local and enjoyed my first taste of Shea this past weekend. No, I didn't get to see Preacher Tom converting more unbelievers ("Praise the Lord," mutters the skeptic in me, bitterly) with his one-hit proselytization on, yes, Sunday. Saturday was my game, and with Yates on the hill, I wasn't expecting what we got -- a classic, albeit one overshadowed by an even greater game right around the corner.

If you haven't yet been to Shea this year, allow me to offer some advice:

1) Do not balk at the ticket prices. One luxury of following a team that has recently embodied futility is the ease with which we Mets fans are able to "move down", magically transforming a $12 Upper Reserved seat into a $43 Field Box ticket. Actually, we can be more economical than that. I believe this only applies when you're purchasing online via Mets.com , so when you click on "Buy Tickets" and a new window pops up detailing the price levels of the various sections, you'll see that Mezzanine Reserved, Upper Box, Upper Reserved, and Upper Reserved Without Alcohol all have little asterisks appended. While it would be just like the Wilpons to thusly signify that those sections haven't been cleaned for several seasons, what it really means is that those sections qualify for a Wendy's Two For One deal (some sort of LIRR deal is available, but since I'm from Westchester and hence deserving of life, I can't fill you in on the specifics). You don't even have to buy ten pounds of Wendy's awesome chicken nuggets to qualify, which is a shame: just select the number of tickets, hit next, and the price is cut in half. $12 seats are pretty good, but $6 for a ballgame can't be beat.

Edit: Upon enjoying a spicy chicken sandwich this evening, I stumbled upon an advertisement for the Wendy's 2 for 1 deal...which only lasts through May, and has sadly run its course. But hey, it was a great deal, and everything else applies.

2) After you've called your Yankees fan friends and laughed at the absurd amount of money they paid to get into their game, pass up the Field Box seats for an inning or two and enjoy the upper deck. You'll be able to sit wherever you want, which means you'll have a great view of the field and of the evening sky, which is usually a truly remarkable blue thanks to (I assume) the marriage of jet fuel and the miasma of losing.

3) While you're up learning about the inner workings of the atmosphere, make sure you hit up the Italian sausage stand. Look, Shea can be compared to one of Kyle's girlfriends -- not too pretty, not too clean, doesn't smell nice, a little lonely, a little awkward, and you usually have to drink a few beers to enjoy her company. What does that have to do with Italian sausage at Shea? Thankfully, nothing. They're just good, and you should buy one.

4) Speaking of beer, and this goes for any stadium -- stick to cousin brewski in the paper cups. Beer in plastic bottles is strongly redolent of a flower-strewn meadow, and while this might offset some of the unsavory odors a regular Shea visitor is familiar with, I'd rather drink deep of landfill runoff than struggle through another of those abominations.

5) When the ability to read the lips of passing airplane pilots loses its novelty, which is invariably, exercise your right as a diehard fan and get yourself a better seat. Treck down the winding ramps to whatever level suits your fancy and find an entrance that isn't manned by an usher in a bright yellow jacket. Walk with the impossible confidence of Roger Cedeno to a sufficient group of seats (you will find one, sadly), and enjoy the rest of the game.

Take advantage of the system while you can, for as our team's winning ways continue, and the Wilpons get ready to blow the future on a .500 season, you can be sure the team batting average won't be the only thing on the rise.