Mets to sign first DH

My latest wish now that Guerrero is gone, second only to a patient yet waning hope that Kyle will one day write a post without dropping an f-bomb, is for the Mets’ yawning chasm in right field to be filled. Apparently it has been granted, as this article has the Duke plugging stocky Karim Garcia into that hole.

I like the fellow, his pending trial notwithstanding. In fact, his pugilistic tendencies likely contribute to my admiration. After all, it would be nice to know that if some visiting fan or attendant scuffled with Scott Strickland over the glare from his absurd gold chain, or hid Franco’s walker while he was taking his pills, we’d have a guy in our corner who just wouldn’t stand for that kind of treatment. A fellow who, let it be noted, would in fact vault a fence and beat the piss out of said assailant. You think Timo would do something like that? In all fairness, in Timo’s case I think the question would be if he could do it. Cedeno, however, is another story. At the first sign of adversity I would fully expect Roger the Dodger to find the wheels he left in Detroit, motor off, and get caught doing 200 in a 35.

(Incidentally, isn’t it great that he gets speeding tickets while with the Mets? If I were Tim McCarver, I’d belabor their karmic significance relative to his recent failures on the basepaths, and make a joke about how bringing him to Flushing should also count as a moving violation. That’s ten points! you would say, if you were Joe Buck, and then we would high-five on camera and extol the virtues of Sprint PCS phones while using them to vote on the method of our summary executions. You know, in an ideal world. End my pain, gentlemen.)

In addition to his usefulness as a bodyguard against bullies like Clemens and the sniveling Guillermo Mota, Garcia can actually hit. He crushes right-handed pitching really well, and southpaws not at all. Taking a quick look at the projected rotations of our NL East competition, there don’t seem to be too many imposing lefties: Horacio Ramirez and Mike Hampton in Atlanta don’t scare me, Florida’s goofy Dontrelle Willis is a wait-and-see, there’s nobody up in Montreal, and Randy Wolf and Eric Milton in Philly. Well, those last two could be a bit of trouble, especially Wolf. Could be worse. I guess I wouldn’t mind slotting Timo in when Garcia would otherwise be humiliating himself. All in all, I like adding a player with Garcia’s pop and thuggishness, as I feel you shouldn’t underestimate the 2004 Mets’ need for a bruiser who can dissuade mockery with the threat of physical retribution. If he hits some home runs and doesn’t drop the ball too often, I’ll consider it a bonus.