Vlad to the Mets: What color is the sky where Wilpon lives?

ESPN just put up a headline about the Mets being "in the Vlad Guerrero Picture". Let's go over all the reasons why this is pure, unadulterated insanity

#1: Baltimore offered 5 years, 65 million a year. The Mets have offered "far less". And in case anyone out there believes the tripe about Guerrero not caring just about the money, his counter offer was for 7 years, 105 million. The Mets already splurged on two big FA signings and can't afford to get into a bidding war with Baltimore and their evil, tainted money.

#2. The NY Mets are, well, the NY Mets. It's not so much that the chances of the Mets going to the postseason any time soon are roughly the same as Debra Messing showing up at my door naked (they are), it's that Guerrero's not one who enjoys the spotlight. There's two ways to play in the spotlight in NY. Either the Yankees way, which is classy, dignified, and successfully stressful, or the Mets way, which is dissapearing titanic first basemen and players giving each other illegal haircuts stressful. Guerrero would get eaten alive by the fans, the media, and the attitude in NY, and he and his agent have gotta be aware of it.

#3. The Mets don't need lineup help. They need pitching. Their lineup has already been described as "potentially devastating" by a beat writer admittedly most likely on crack and heroin at the time of writing it, but the thing keeping the Mets back from semi-respectability is a young, stud pitcher. They need a frontline starter who's not on the wrong side of 30 to really make a difference. Vlad will score a lot of runs, but then again so does A-Rod. Just not for us. I'm not fucking bitter.

It's not like I'm against this happening. Firstly, when one of those herniated disks blows out of Vlad's back like a shotgun shell and kills Tim Welke, I'll be the first one to laugh. And anything to keep the goofy bastard out of Baltimore, with just Lopez and Tejada the Orioles really aren't going to be that great.

So Mike, please, enjoy this latest wet dream. The Mets landing Vlad Guerrero will happen at about the same time Roger Clemens admits he got fat and lazy in Boston and deserved to be booted to Toronto, and then gives me a signed baseball made out of solid platinum for no apparent reason.