Mike's throwing down the gauntlet early

All right Mike, you asshole, let's get a few things straight:

I most certainly DID kick that dog. It's a small dog too, he went a good three feet before crashing into a chair or something. Don't worry though, animal lovers, I felt reeeeeal bad afterwards, almost as bad as I felt when I cut the whiskers off my cat's face when I was 6.

Also, in response to some of your specific comments, WHAT Guerrero farce? Perhaps you missed my devastatingly logical appraisal of why you guys will never, ever get him. You don't need to wait to hear the word on whether you get him or not, the answer is already "no". You're delusional, my friend, Guerrero is going to sign with Baltimore, because I've obviously been a bad person in former lives and that's just one of my many punishments for it.

I think it's time to make something perfectly clear. Mike is a bitter, vindictive little girl whose team fosters such feelings of inadequacy that he feels forced to take out his frustrations on me and my poor team (who, by the way, I sure wish would DO something, so I can write about something other than how much the Mets suck). Just because your AAA 1/2 squad was 4 lucky wins ahead of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in terms of team record is no reason to attack ME, buddy. I can't be held responsible for the 17 million you paid Mo Vaughn while he was off hiding in alleys from you guys and having disgusting lard-wiches named after him.

You folks are going to have to forgive Mike and his occasional nonsensical Sox bashing, as I am learning to do. I forget sometimes just how embarassing it is to follow a team like the Mets. It must be worse because his team was recently in the World Series, and the most lasting memory from it is Mike Piazza managing a weak screaming of "You're sleeping on the couch tonight!!" to Roger Clemens after HAVING A BAT THROWN AT HIM. Thank God you guys had Shawn Estes teach Clemens a lesson the year after by floating a fastball 3 feet behind him.

Hey, at least you guys aren't paying Roger Cedeno 10 million next year!